Psych 101

I’m taking a psychology course called “Dyadic Relations” which has a lot to do with communicating effectively with one’s romantic partner. Inevitably, this leads me to think about the ineffective communication between Kimchibreath and me, and the strategies that we must use when speaking plainly in one or the other’s first language simply does not work as it should.

Unfortunately, I tend to resort to interpersonal relationship tactics that I acquired before I even entered kindergarten. For example,

Threats
Sometimes– okay, a lot of the time– using threats is a great way to get someone to do what you want. So, when Kimchibreath uses the F-word a little more often than I would like, I don’t really consider the fact that he does not feel the strong emotional reaction that I have to that word, being a native speaker of English. Therefore I do not say something enlightening like, “Gee, when you use the F-word, especially to refer to that special thing that only you and I do together, it sends shivers down my spine...and not the good kind of shivers.”

Instead I say, “I’m going to count every time you say that word, and for every time you say it, I’m going to insist on getting your attention by using the word term '자기야!' (insert annoying girlfriend intonation saying the Korean word for ‘sweety!~’) in front of your friends...because I know it sends shivers down your spine...and not the good kind of shivers.”

Bursting into Tears
In fact, a lot of English words have a profound effect on me, an effect that Kimchibreath doesn’t feel in the same way. So when he uses these feeling-intense words, the Tear Function is just a little bit faster than my Rationally Explaining function. An example might be, you know, a word like “obese”. Especially when that word is used during those all-important, post-intimacy, scantily clad moments.

Tantrums
This weekend, I had my first two-year-old-style tantrum in front of my Kimchibreath– complete with noises through clenched teeth, slouching pathetically in my seat, and crossing my arms forcefully across my chest. I probably would have stomped my foot if not for the fact that we were in a car at the time! Since tantrums get the point across-- no grammar required–- they tend to be a tempting tool to use when I’m too exhausted to articulate my point properly. Unfortunately, they lack the benefit of being sexy, and could quite possibly be a ticket back to the mate-selecting-scene. Use with caution.

So, if anything, starting this course has alerted me to the immature tactics that emotionally charged relationships bring out in people. I sound like I’m blaming my problems on the language barrier, but I think a lot of couples have the same communication issues. The language struggle just highlights how useless these preschool-style tools prove to be.

Language differences also bring us a lot of laughs, and are part of what makes Kimchibreath so charming. So far, the benefits of this partnership outweigh the costs. We’re sticking it out despite the outbursts, tears, and occasional bad shivers.

Mountain Climbing Relationships

It’s almost time for my weekly date with Kimchibreath. We’re a pretty scheduled couple– we talk on the phone on Thursdays, and see each other on Saturdays. Those are the basic rules, but there are some exceptions:

-Saturday night bleeds so fluidly into Sunday morning...and sometimes Sunday afternoon
-text messages don’t count (but more than two is excessive).
-Extreme emotions–happiness, sadness, anger, confusion– constitute an additional phone call.

And confusion happens a lot. If we hang up the phone, and there’s an ambiguous feeling lingering, you can bet there will be another phone call once either of us has had a chance to wonder about it.

I knew when getting into things with Kimchibreath that it would not be easy, that there would be a lot of confusion. When you’re just having fun and flirting, transmitting important ideas is not really an issue. But once it’s time to have the contraception conversation, the ability to get yourself understood becomes increasingly important.

A few months ago, Kimchibreath pronounced that our honeymoon period was over, and a period of testing has begun. This, because I told him that sometimes it's hard for me to talk and express myself with him. He then went on with a monologue about how it would be hard for him to speak his mind in Korean if I only was conversational in Korean, because I might not understand, and he might give up before even trying, and how communication would always be an issue for us.

Then he turned up the Michael Jackson CD that was playing in the car. And I just stared at the top right. Not the fairytale conclusion to that conversation.

For now, I like our set-up the way it is. I appreciate my alone time, time to study, and being forced not to become co-dependent on this one. But sometimes I wonder how it will be if we ever move beyond the Thursday/Saturday schedule, for example, if we decide to move in together. Will we give up and stop trying to make ourselves understood? Will we develop a non-standard form of Konglish (Korean-English) for household use? Will we give up speaking altogether and just use ape-like meaningful gestures instead?

But Kimchibreath constantly reminds me with his thoughtful actions that being with him is a wise choice. He also tries to convince me of this with words. Some of my favourite exhortations have been:

“I’m sort of morally okay.”

“I’m eager-peace-style.”

“You don’t mix bodies with a loser.”

And of course,

“You've got the hard one. You've conquered Everest.”

The Hierarchy in Sales

My part time job is in retail, and even though I expect to be treated as a nuisance, or have my role as a salesperson overshadow the fact that I am a human being with feelings, and even to be disrespected at times...people continue to amaze me.

Yesterday I was working with a young woman who happens to be a Canadian from Indian descent. She’s a fantastic person with whom to work.

A woman came into the shoe store, and I got the feeling that she was used to being spoiled. That’s fine. We can play the part, show her things, make her feel special and entitled-- the way she’s been made to feel for her entire life. We can indulge people like that to an extent. They frequently buy things, and after they disappear, you can pick up the pieces of your self respect by laughing it off, claiming you “just did it for the sale.” Once they’re gone, you can make assumptions about their lifestyles, and distance people like that from people like you, who have to work hard at disgraceful jobs in order to become a decent, deserving, contributing member of society who has worked hard to get to where he or she is.

The woman insulted every shoe that my coworker showed her. She picked up the shoes, examined them from all sides, and complained endlessly about not seeing anything that she liked. At that point I would have left her to her misery, with a cheerful “Ok, well if you see anything you like, let me know!”

But my coworker, sweet and helpful, knew that there must be something in the store that this woman would not criticise. I watched, trying to look busy in the background, but fully enthralled with the dynamic in the store. This woman ruled the world as far as she was concerned. We, her lowly servants, were expected to conform to her opinion and work our fingers to the bone trying to find something that would please her.

My coworker handed her a pointy, open toed heel, which caught the woman’s attention. She handled the shoe, gazed at it for a second, then wrinkled her nose. “You know? I like this shoe, but I just cannot be bothered to paint my toenails just for one evening of going out."

She then looked closely at my coworker, and inspected her just as she had been inspecting that shoe moments before. “I know it’s part of your culture to paint your toenails, isn’t it?”

My coworker was slightly stunned. “What?”

“It’s part of your culture, isn’t it? To paint your toenails?” She repeated, looking my coworker up and down. “But I just can’t see the point of painting my toenails for one night.”

The interaction hit a speed bump from that point, and the woman moved on to offend more minimum wage workers trying to salvage their confidence in the mall that night.

Now, am I right in being shocked at that? Have I reached the point in my political correctness where any mention of ethnic background becomes offensive? Of course not. Ethnicity is extremely important, and it does affect your experience in the world in a deep way. But uninformed, sweeping generalizations that cause one to make assumptions about a person you do not even know...that’s unacceptable.

But he LOVED me. I can prove it.

I threw out a bunch of old love letters and journals today.

I hope you’re not the nostalgic type. I did the right thing.

I read over some of them. There were more “I love you’s” than I remembered, and that’s a good thing, I guess. It made me feel a little warm, like all of that wasn’t for nothing, and it reminded that there were a lot of nice memories I had forgotten deliberately.

The letters and journals had a positive effect on my day. But I threw them out anyway. Why do we keep those tokens? I kept them to prove to myself that my relationships existed, and that the person who I was when I wrote those journals was once the person who I am.

But I have no need to hold on to those things. Because the aggregate of all my experiences equals who I am today. That being is worth more than the sum of its parts.

That being said, I still like writing. Even though a few hundred hours of it is sitting in a black garbage bag in my back lane. I guess I should have recycled, at least.

I called my new journal “Kimchi Breath” because I needed a name. Even though I do not live in Korea, the faint smell of kimchi still lingers in my life and in most of my experiences. That scent sticks around-- it might never disappear completely.