Psych 101

I’m taking a psychology course called “Dyadic Relations” which has a lot to do with communicating effectively with one’s romantic partner. Inevitably, this leads me to think about the ineffective communication between Kimchibreath and me, and the strategies that we must use when speaking plainly in one or the other’s first language simply does not work as it should.

Unfortunately, I tend to resort to interpersonal relationship tactics that I acquired before I even entered kindergarten. For example,

Threats
Sometimes– okay, a lot of the time– using threats is a great way to get someone to do what you want. So, when Kimchibreath uses the F-word a little more often than I would like, I don’t really consider the fact that he does not feel the strong emotional reaction that I have to that word, being a native speaker of English. Therefore I do not say something enlightening like, “Gee, when you use the F-word, especially to refer to that special thing that only you and I do together, it sends shivers down my spine...and not the good kind of shivers.”

Instead I say, “I’m going to count every time you say that word, and for every time you say it, I’m going to insist on getting your attention by using the word term '자기야!' (insert annoying girlfriend intonation saying the Korean word for ‘sweety!~’) in front of your friends...because I know it sends shivers down your spine...and not the good kind of shivers.”

Bursting into Tears
In fact, a lot of English words have a profound effect on me, an effect that Kimchibreath doesn’t feel in the same way. So when he uses these feeling-intense words, the Tear Function is just a little bit faster than my Rationally Explaining function. An example might be, you know, a word like “obese”. Especially when that word is used during those all-important, post-intimacy, scantily clad moments.

Tantrums
This weekend, I had my first two-year-old-style tantrum in front of my Kimchibreath– complete with noises through clenched teeth, slouching pathetically in my seat, and crossing my arms forcefully across my chest. I probably would have stomped my foot if not for the fact that we were in a car at the time! Since tantrums get the point across-- no grammar required–- they tend to be a tempting tool to use when I’m too exhausted to articulate my point properly. Unfortunately, they lack the benefit of being sexy, and could quite possibly be a ticket back to the mate-selecting-scene. Use with caution.

So, if anything, starting this course has alerted me to the immature tactics that emotionally charged relationships bring out in people. I sound like I’m blaming my problems on the language barrier, but I think a lot of couples have the same communication issues. The language struggle just highlights how useless these preschool-style tools prove to be.

Language differences also bring us a lot of laughs, and are part of what makes Kimchibreath so charming. So far, the benefits of this partnership outweigh the costs. We’re sticking it out despite the outbursts, tears, and occasional bad shivers.